The Week That Was

David Ortiz

Boston Red Sox iconic slugger David Ortiz became a U.S. citizen Wednesday, with 220 other immigrants from 57 countries at a ceremony at the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library in Boston.  

“It’s a great country. I’m proud to be here,” said the revered Big Papi. “I am eager to be a part of the American family.” 

Ortiz, 32, who was born in Santa Domingo on the south coast of the Dominican Republic, is by all accounts an affable and charming man, and he deserves great happiness in celebration of his big day. Nevertheless, instead of appearing dignified and classy during his ceremony, the four-time All Star wore a despicable pair of diva-like shades indoors that made him resemble a male version of J-Lo.  

As Larry David said on his hit HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm, “You know who wear sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.” 

Considering that the designated hitter has 279 career home runs and he bears little likeness to Ray Charles, I am going to presume that Ortiz is not blind. So...

Nicholas Kaczur

The Boston Globe reported last week that New England Patriots offensive lineman Nicholas Kaczur worked as an informant for federal drug agents after he was arrested in New York state on April 27th for possessing approximately 100 Oxycontin pills without a prescription.

Kaczur, who is a cooperating witness according to a federal DEA agent’s court affidavit, purchased a total of $3,900 worth of “hillbilly heroin” while wearing a wiretap on three separate occasions. Kaczur’s emasculate snitching led to the arrest of Daniel Estrada, a 35-year-old construction worker and father of twins from Saugus, Massachusetts.

New England’s muscle upfront is a yellow and gutless swine and his treacherous actions may ultimately create more harm than good for himself.

“Let’s just say if I was a life insurance salesman, I wouldn’t find him to be an incredibly good risk,” said Boston College Law Professor Robert M. Bloom, an expert of the government’s use of informants. “Personal safety depends on how big of an operation it was.”

Michael Levine, a former inspector of DEA Field Operations, agreed that the Patsies stool pigeon could be in a precarious position.

“Anytime you reveal publicly someone’s been an informant you expose him to danger,” said Levine. “The danger could be from anyone he’s targeted.”

As the adage goes, “if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.” Obviously, Kaczur didn’t heed that proverb and because of his loose-tongue another Boston Massacre could be nearing.

JOBA CHAMBERLAIN

Joba Chamberlain and the New York Yankees defeated the Kansas City Royals 6-3 Sunday in the Bronx. Chamberlain, 23, who threw 78 pitches in the second start of his professional career in sweltering 95-degree heat, struck out five and yielded 2 earned runs in 4 1/3 innings. Yankees Manager Joe Girardi said following the game that he would like to see the phenom from Nebraska reach the 100-pitch plateau by the time he makes his fifth start in a couple of weeks.

Little League International established a pitch count last year in an effort to protect youngsters arms. Children between the ages of 11 and 12 are prohibited from exceeding 85 pitches and players in the 9-10 age groups are banned from hurling more than 75 throws in any single contest.

So, are Girardi and Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman kidding with the restrictions they have imposed upon a 23-year-old adult? The Bronx brass limited Chamberlain to approximately 60 pitches for his inaugural start last Tuesday and they restricted him to 80 for his appearance yesterday.

It is often said that the best formula to get a player injured is by trying at all costs to keep that athlete healthy. If that adage holds even a granule of legitimacy, Chamberlain should be joining his fellow prodigies, Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy, on the DL anytime now.

PAUL PIERCE
Paul Pierce and the Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers 98-88 at the TD Banknorth Garden Thursday night to take a 1-0 advantage in the NBA Finals. Early in the third quarter, Pierce fell to the hardwood and grasped his right knee in apparent agony. Providing the illusion that he was immobile, Pierce was carried off the court by his teammates and he was transported to the locker room in a wheel chair.

Despite his horrific and debilitating injury, Pierce astonishingly returned to game action unscathed within a matter of minutes and finished the contest with 22 points on 7 of 10 shooting. Although Pierce has not had an MRI scan to determine the condition of his meniscus, Celtics officials insist that the former University of Kansas star has no structural damage to his knee and they anticipate that he will be ready to play in Game 2 on Sunday evening in Beantown.

“I’m not planning on getting an MRI until after the season,” Pierce said Friday. “So I mean, it could be bad, but right now I’m just getting treatments and see how I feel on Sunday,” Pierce said Friday.

Some onlookers and analysts have had the audacity to compare Pierce’s plight Thursday to Willis Reed’s comeback from a serious hip injury in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals. Lakers Head Coach Phil Jackson, who was a teammate of Reed on that championship-winning New York Knicks squad, took umbrage with the insane comparison and he questioned the legitimacy of Pierce’s injury.

“If I’m not mistaken, I think Willis Reed missed a whole half and three quarters almost of a game and literally had to have a shot, a horse shot, three or four of them in his thigh to come back out and play,” the Zen Master recalled. “Paul got carried off and was back on his feet in a minute. I don’t know if the angels visited him in that timeout period that he had or not, but he didn’t even limp when he came back out on the floor.”

Jackson continued his justifiable smear campaign against Pierce’s validity by sarcastically questioning whether a certain televangelist worked his miracles on “the Truth.”

“I don’t know what was going on. Was Oral Roberts back there in their locker room?”

The truth is, Paul Pierce wasn’t genuinely wounded. Pierce, who was raised in California near Hollywood, has a sincere desire to become a respected thespian and Thursday night in Boston was his inaugural performance playing an African American version of “Tiny” Tim Cratchit. By Sunday’s tip-off, look for “the false” to have his limb supported by an iron frame.