The Bronx is Nicer without A-Roid* & T.O. is a "Jerk-Off"

New York Yankees parasite Alex Rodriguez had arthroscopic surgery Monday to repair torn cartilage in his right hip and doctors said they found nothing during the procedure that would keep the overrated ballplayer from returning to the Bombers lineup in May.

A-Fraud, 33, who signed a 10-year contract worth $275 million with the Yankees in November 2007, will need a more extensive surgery after the season. But, much to the chagrin of genuine Yankees fans everywhere, the purple-lipped pariah should be ready for the start of spring training in 2010.

Many pundits have predicted that Rodriguez’s injury will be a fatal blow to the Yankees 2009 season.  These same analysts curiously forget that A-Roid*, a 3-time American League MVP who admitted he used steroids from 2001-2003, has never played on a team that has been ultimately successful.

In reality, it is very feasible that the Yankees will prove to be a more rounded and cohesive squad with A-Hole on the shelf and away from the Bronx.

“As hard as this may sound, it could be a blessing in disguise for him,” said former Bombers centerfielder Bernie Williams regarding Rodriguez’s injury. “I think it might be good for the Yankees, too.”

Williams, 40, a 5-time All-Star selection who helped lead New York to four championships in five years, also noted that the Yankees have plenty of talent beyond the player who wasn’t “taking Tic Tacs.”

“The Yankees have a lot of firepower to compensate for his loss.”

Despite the fact that New York posted a feeble mark of 9-15 last year without Rodriguez in their lineup, Yankees team captain Derek Jeter echoed his former teammate’s sentiments.

“There’s more than just one person on a team,” said Jeter, the anti-Rod.

A-Rod, a parody of a player and a father who called missing his daughter Ella Alexander’s birth by 10 minutes “perfect timing,” had the audacity to question Jeter’s leadership in an interview with Esquire in April 2001.

“Jeter’s been blessed with great talent around him. He’s never had to lead. He can just go on and play and have fun,” Rodriguez claimed of Jeter, a 9-time All-Star who has a lifetime .316 batting average.

“And he hits second-that’s totally different than third and fourth in a lineup.  You go into New York, you want to stop Bernie and O’Neill. You never say, ‘Don’t let Derek beat you. He’s never your concern.’”

Jeter, AKA “Mr. November,” is a 4-time champion who was deservedly awarded the 2000 World Series MVP.

A-Fraud is a clown pocket who has recorded less RBI in the playoffs (1) since game four of the 2004 ALCS than Boston Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka has (2).

“When people write bad things about me,” Rodriguez theorized in a September 2006 issue of Sports Illustrated.  “I don’t know if it’s because I’m good looking, I’m biracial, I make the most money or I play on the most popular team…”

In reality, Madonna’s bitch has purple lips and frosted hair and nobody is ever going to confuse the Miami native with Bob Redford.

Furthermore, A-Rod is not “biracial” because both of his parents are of Dominican descent.

The reason “people write bad things about” Rodriguez is due to the fact that he is an unlikable loser who has cheated on both his wife and the game of baseball.

The Bronx will be a more enjoyable and higher-quality neighborhood to visit sans A-Roid*.

Savor this nostalgic time, Yankees supporters. Without Rodriguez, it will be like the “good old days” until mid-May on 161^st Street and River Avenue.

Cancerous wide receiver Terrell Owens signed a one-year, $6.5 million contract with the Buffalo Bills Saturday less than one week after the Dallas Cowboys justifiably released the pathetic superstar.

By releasing Owens, 35, a 6-time All-Pro selection who has recorded nine 1,000 yard seasons in the NFL, the Cowboys exhibited a classic example of addition by subtraction. Owens is a self-serving, pompous prick and his malevolent presence in Valley Ranch ensured that a quality team like Dallas would never realize their championship aspirations.

In sharp contrast, by acquiring T.O., the Bills decidedly improved their somewhat lackluster roster for the upcoming 2009 season. Buffalo, a proud franchise that hasn't qualified for the playoffs since 1999, was in need of a prolific threat on offense and, for a single year, Owens will undoubtedly provide that explosion.

It would be suicidal for an organization to sign Owens, who "accidentally overdosed" on hydrocodone in 2006, to a long-term agreement and it was prudent of Buffalo's hierarchy to offer the receiver a measly one-year pact. "The Player," as legendary coach Bill Parcells dismissively referred to Owens, is a divisive individual who does not warrant any form of a guarantee or security. Still, largely because of his limited options and lack of professional comfort, Owens will likely thrive on the field in his inaugural campaign in Orchard Park.

However, after the initial honeymoon bliss erodes, history indicates that the "O.D." and Buffalo marriage will ultimately end in a nasty divorce.

The San Francisco 49ers drafted Owens out of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga in the third round of the 1996 NFL draft. Despite an average career on the gridiron, the Niners selected the "Mouth of the South" in the earlier rounds of the draft because he was a physical marvel who had also excelled playing basketball and running track at UTC.

Playing alongside his childhood idol, Jerry Rice, T.O. thrived running routes in the Bay Area and he quickly established himself as one of the elite receivers in the sport of football. But, instead of enjoying his accomplishments and savoring the ideal surroundings he was brought into, Owens became a dramatic diva who needlessly feuded with his Head Coach, Steve Mariucci, and quarterback, Jeff Garcia.

The disgusting product of Alexander City, Alabama eventually succeeded in his efforts to abandon his heart in San Francisco and he orchestrated his trade to the Philadelphia Eagles before the 2004 season. In vintage Owens fashion, “the player” couldn't depart the Bay with even a granule of class and he maliciously insinuated in an interview with Playboy magazine that Garcia was gay despite the fact that the signal-caller is expecting his second child with his wife and the 2004 Playmate of the Year, Carmella DeCesare.

Seemingly from the moment he arrived in the "City of Brotherly Love," Owens flourished as Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb's primary offensive weapon. The Eagles waltzed through the NFC's competition and they advanced to Super Bowl XXXIX to compete for the championship versus the New England Patriots. Despite a sprained ankle and fractured fibula that had yet to entirely heal, T.O. courageously played in the title game and caught 9 passes for 122 yards in the Eagles 24-21 loss to New England.

Rather than let onlookers relish his heroic performance, Owens curiously decided to initiate a conflict with McNabb and he blamed his Pro Bowl quarterback's conditioning for Philly's loss by stating, "I wasn't the guy who got tired in the Super Bowl."

Following more nonsensical slights against McNabb and Eagles management, Philadelphia suspended Owens without pay and the team deactivated him for the remainder of the 2005 season before they gave the hemorrhoid his outright release.

In March 2006, Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones gambled and signed Owens, who ranks second all-time in touchdowns behind Rice, to a three-year deal worth $25 million.

T.O. was a relatively model Cowboy at the outset of his tenure in “Big D.” Owens even homoerotically wept like a woman watching Beaches when teammate Tony Romo was criticized for vacationing with his buxom girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, the week before Dallas lost their first playoff game to the New York Giants in 2008.

"That's my quarterback," Owens tearfully bawled in a pink defense of Romo.

If the past is any indicator, Owens will spawn a catty vendetta in due time with incumbent Bills quarterback and graduate of Stanford University Trent Edwards. One can imagine that T.O. will gripe, "I don't need no beautiful mind throwing me the ball here."

Owens is an exasperating figure and one can only hope that he squanders the opportunity that Buffalo afforded him because it will likely be the final chance he is provided by an NFL organization.

Similarly to the way the Chief of Malibu Police felt about the Dude, T.O., "I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear," Terrell.