Imus will "Be Fine," Lane Kiffin is "a Disgrace," and Dykstra's "Fucking Out!"

Dykstra's "Fucking Out!" 

A former editor of Players Club poorly portrayed the periodicals founder, Lenny Dykstra, a 4-time All-Star on the baseball diamond, in this month’s edition of GQ Magazine.

Kevin Coughlin, who is currently employed as a photo editor at the New York Post, provided a nightmarish account of the 67 days he worked for Dykstra, 46, a fan favorite when he played outfield for the New York Mets and the Philadelphia Phillies.

Players Club is a magazine designed to advise professional athletes how to utilize their massive earnings in a constructive way that will prohibit any future financial struggles.

The first four athletes to grace the covers of the magazine were Derek Jeter, Chris Paul, Tiger Woods and Danica Patrick.

Coughlin claimed that "Nails" called him on speaker phone and bragged, "Nobody can call me a racist-I put three darkies and a bitch on my first four covers."

Apparently dumbfounded by the tobacco fiends comments, Coughlin said he asked, "What was that, Lenny?"

"I said I put three spearchuckers on the cover," exclaimed Dykstra with great satisfaction.

On another occasion, Coughlin alleges "the Dude" ridiculed a particular layout and demeaned the work as "faggy" despite the presence of a homosexual page designer in the room.

Upon conclusion of his insensitive and expletive-laced tirade, Dykstra asked Coughlin, "Did you see the look on that fags face?"

Dykstra refuted all of Coughlin's accusations and accounts and asserted in an interview with the Philadelphia Inquirer that his banished employee is a "liar."

"I'm not going down in the dirt with this guy," said Dykstra, a known steroid abuser who presently walks like Ozzy Osborne and speaks like a mixture between Muhammad Ali and Andrew Dice Clay. "He's ticked off because he got fired. He was masquerading as a photo editor."

Dykstra, who recently purchased Wayne Gretzky’s $17 million estate and serves as president of several of his own privately held companies, particularly scoffed at Coughlin's allegations of racism because he lived with African-American teammates and drug addicts Daryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden during his days with the Metropolitans.

"I lived with Strawberry and Gooden," emphasized the man day trading deity Jim Cramer proclaimed "one of the great ones" in the financial business world.

Considering the frequent debaucheries committed by the Mets in the 1980's, it is fair to predict that “Nails” was so high he didn't even realize "the Dead End Kids" were black when they all roomed together.

Whether stated in jest or not, the 1993 Silver Slugger Award winner's remarks have created great controversy and many have labeled Dykstra as a racist and homophobe.

The Vice President of Public Relations for the Atlanta Hawks, Arthur Triche, told the Daily News that he has indefinitely banned Dykstra's magazine from his team’s locker room en lieu of the recent GQ article.

"I don't care if he was trying to crack a joke or otherwise, in this day and age there's no room for that foolishness," Triche said. "I'm not going to sit here and automatically believe he didn't say it. I'm not ready to buy it.”

It certainly sounds as though working for Dykstra is akin to being employed by Eastbound & Down’s character Kenny Powers.

But, after the most recent episode of HBO’s show, Kenny is currently “in” and “Nails,” well, “you’re fucking out!”

Lane Kiffin is a "Disgrace"

Abrasive University of Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin had harsh words for one of the nation’s elite wide receiver recruits from South Carolina, Alshon Jeffrey, last month after the star chose to attend the University of South Carolina instead of enrolling at Knoxville.

According to ESPN’s Chris Lowe and Jeffrey’s coach Walter Wilson, who were both listening to the conversation on speaker phone, Kiffin told Jeffrey that if he “chose the Gamecocks, he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life like all the other players from that state who had gone to South Carolina.”

This is not the first time Kiffin, 33, the youngest active head coach in Division I football, has been scrutinized because of his polarizing antics.

In January 2007, the demented and senile owner of the Oakland Raiders, Al Davis, hired Kiffin to become the head coach of his team.

Kiffin, who became the youngest coach in NFL history at 31, was erroneously referred to by Davis as “Lance” Kiffin at the introductory news conference.

After “leading” Oakland to a feeble mark of 4-12 in his first year coaching  in the East Bay, ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reported that Davis drafted a letter of resignation for Kiffin to sign because of poor job performance and rampant rumors that Kiffin was actively entertaining vacant coaching opportunities in college football. Kiffin refused to sign the “Man in Silver and Black’s” letter of resignation because the former offensive coordinator of the University of Southern California (USC) realized if he did he would forfeit his $2 million salary for the remaining guaranteed year of his contract.

A month into the 2008 NFL season and with an overall record of 5-15 as a professional coach, Davis fired Kiffin over the phone.

At a bizarre televised news conference to announce the axing, Davis labeled Kiffin “a flat-out liar” and said the former three-sport athlete in college for the Fresno State Bulldogs was guilty of “bringing disgrace to the organization.”

Following his unceremonious ouster, Kiffin claimed he was handed a pink slip without cause and he filed a grievance against the Raiders seeking two months pay to compensate for the span between when he was fired by the Raiders and hired to become the 21^st head football coach in the history of UT.

Within two weeks of arriving in Knoxville, Kiffin chapped the ass of Raiders Head Coach Tom Cable by stealing one of his assistants, James Cregg, with two weeks remaining in the NFL season. Cable felt the timing of Cregg’s departure was “wrong in the business of coaching” and insinuated that he would challenge Kiffin to a Mexican street fight on the grounds of Lake Merritt in "the Town."

Kiffin, whose father, Monte, is widely considered to be one of the preeminent defensive coordinators in modern football history, was not finished alienating anyone with a pulse.

In early February, Kiffin falsely accused the Florida Gators and their Head Coach, Urban Meyer, of violating NCAA recruiting rules at a Tennessee Booster breakfast at the Knoxville Convention Center.

“I’m going to turn Florida in right here in front of you,” Kiffin told the crowd. “As Nu’Keese was here on campus, his phone keeps ringing. And so one of our coaches is sitting in the meeting with him and says, ‘Who is that?’ And he looks at the phone and says, ‘Urban Meyer.'”

The pompous, blonde bitch from Minnesota continued, “Just so you know, you can’t call a recruit on another campus. But I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him.”

While Kiffin was accusing Meyer of violating NCAA rules, he was actually disregarding NCAA rules himself and his complaints against Meyer for misconduct were baseless. In lieu of his incompetence and utter ignorance of NCAA compliance as a whole, Southeastern Conference Commissioner Mike Slive issued a public reprimand to Kiffin.

Despite his nonexistent pedigree, it already seems evident that Kiffin will become the most dislikable college pigskin coach since John Goodman’s character strolled the sidelines in Revenge of the Nerds.

Unfortunately, sneaky bastards like Kiffin often flourish in the seedy world of college athletics.

As the adage goes, nice guys finish last. Hence, one can expect Kiffin and his Volunteers football program to be a longstanding powerhouse on the gridiron.

Nevertheless, supporting Kiffin seems comparable to cheering for the reemergence of polio and one can only hope that he fails with creamsicle colors.

Don Imus will "Be Fine"

Notorious shock jock Don Imus revealed on his WABC Radio morning show Imus in the Morning last week that he is battling prostate cancer.

“I have great confidence in my doctors,” said Imus, 68, the founder of the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer. “I’ll be fine. If I’m not fine, I won’t be fine. It’s not a big deal.”

Many consider Imus to be a bully and a nasty human being who is nothing more than a “nappy headed ho.”

Perhaps the “I-Man” is not the reincarnation of Mother Teresa or even Nedward Flanders for that matter.

Nevertheless, at a time like this, Imus is deserving of the publics thoughts and prayers.