Patriot Gets Pissed On 

New England Patriots star quarterback Matt Cassel was urinated on by some moronic booze bag last Friday night at ESPN’s Tampa Bay Super Bowl fiesta.

According to a witness, Cassel, 26, the only quarterback in NFL history to start an NFL game at quarterback without ever starting at the position in college, was standing in line to use the bathroom when a drunk tried to muscle his way in front of the USC alum and career understudy.

“Matt told him to wait his turn and headed into the urinals,” a spy reported.

Within moments, the lush barged into the urinal that Cassel was about to utilize and he drained his sack all over the signal callers leg.

Security ejected the scumbag and Cassel returned to the shindig with piss-stained trousers.

Continue reading "Kurt and Brenda Warner and a Patriot Gets Pissed On"

Gamecock Should Be Hung By His Grundle 

Legendary American swimmer Michael Phelps stated Wednesday to The Baltimore Sun that he can not commit to competing in the 2012 Olympic Games in London in wake of British tabloid photos that apparently capture “MP” blazing cannabis from a bong during a party last November at the University of South Carolina.

"This is a decision of mine that I'm not going to make it today and I'm not going to make tomorrow," said Phelps, who won a record eight gold medals last summer at the Beijing Olympics.

The most decorated Olympic athlete ever continued, “It's going to require a lot of time and energy and a lot of thinking for myself - but also talking to [my coach Bob Bowman] and talking to my family and just deciding what I want to do."

Continue reading "Phelps is a Hero and A-Rod's a Villain"

Shaq and Kobe “Had a Good Time” with Each Other 

Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O’Neal and Los Angles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant begrudgingly shared co-MVP awards at the All-Star game this past Valentine’s Day weekend as the Western Conference dominated the East 146-119 at the US Airways Center in Arizona.  

Despite the obvious that O’Neal, 36, and Bryant, 30, get along like the redneck Hatfield and McCoy clans, the two acted practically smitten with each other at the conclusion of the 58th All-Star game. 

“The Big Legendaries,” O’Neal dubbed himself and Bryant, his venomous rival and former Lakers teammate of 8 seasons. 

“It felt like old times,” continued the 2000 MVP and 15-time All-Star selection while his beak grew exponentially to Barbara Streisand proportions. “I miss those times.” 

Continue reading "Shaq & Kobe "Had a Good Time" and Favre Created a "Series of Victimless Crimes""

Eastbound & Down Rules 

Eastbound & Down is a new comedy show on HBO that follows the struggles of a North Carolina redneck who was once a star relief pitcher in the Major Leagues “with an arm like a fucking cannon” and has since plummeted from grace and become a lowly gym teacher in his hometown elementary school.

Kenny Powers, a drug-addict and alcoholic who is an odious mixture of John Rocker and Bad Santa, was a 19-year-old prodigy when he made his debut for the Atlanta Braves in game 7 of the 2001 World Series.

With the bases loaded and two outs in the ninth inning, Powers, who claims to have never once drunk a glass of water in his lifetime, blazed a 101-mph fastball passed an overmatched hitter and Atlanta dramatically won the championship.

Continue reading ""Eastbound & Down" Rules and Everything Joe Torre Said Was Right"